Coping with Christmas

When Christmas is a Difficult Time.

It’s that time of year again! We put on the tele, we go into the shops and malls and Christmas music assails us and Christmas fare is unavoidable. There is simply no getting away from it. The media would have us believe that Christmas is an idyllically happy family time. In reality, there are many of us who have never experienced this kind of family togetherness, or if we have had happy Christmases, beloved family members have moved away, relationships have broken down, or death called, changing our view of Christmas radically. Christmas can be a time of hurting and loneliness, of sadness and painful memories.

Christmas is probably the most difficult time for those experiencing loss, especially recent loss. Pretending that Christmas simply isn’t there, tempting though it is, doesn’t work. ‘Avoidance is one way of controlling grief that DOES NOT WORK’. Colin Murray – Parkes, psychiatrist specialising in grief.We need to accept this and try to be proactive in designing our own unique plan to navigate the weeks before and the days of the celebration.

One of the pitfalls when trying to celebrate Christmas when a loved one won’t be physically present, for whatever the reason, is trying to celebrate as though they were. We all have our own rituals at Christmas time, ‘this is the way that we do it. We always............’ When the family has changed because someone is missing, ‘we always......’ won’t work anymore. The celebration has to be altered to embrace the change. It is important to be open about the changed situation, to discuss how your personal family ritual can be altered to be true to the different circumstances. Someone needs to have the courage to break the silence which so often is our misplaced mechanism to make sure no one is upset. ‘Remaining silent doesn’t usually stop the talking in our heads anyway.’ Dorothy McRae – McMahon. Uniting Church Minister.

Here are some pointers:

·         Don’t try and do it all. Get family and friends to help with all the pre Christmas preparation.

·         You don’t HAVE to send cards and presents as usual.

·         It is possible to get Christmas cards with a message of peace rather than happiness.

·         Don’t try and do all the cards and presents at the same time.

·         When you find yourself feeling less emotionally fragile, give card writing the priority, don’t try when you’re feeling really sad.

·         What do you want to do at Christmas?

·         What does your family want?

·         What can you plan to include your loved one who is absent? Maybe a place setting, a special candle, a photograph in a special place. There is no right way to do this, just what works for you and your family. Your loved one is absent physically, but very present in your heart.

·         Only accept invitations to gatherings where you feel safe emotionally.

·         Remember your loved one, don’t be afraid to talk about them.

·         Have a box of tissues handy and allow each other to cry. Crying gets the sadness out.

A reminder:

Grief is neither a disorder nor a healing process; it is a sign of health itself, a whole and natural gesture of love. Nor must we see grief as a step towards something better. No matter how much it hurts – and it may be the greatest pain in life – grief can be an end in itself, a pure expression of love. Gerald May. Psychiatrist.

Christmas is essentially a time to celebrate Jesus birthday. It may be that you can immerse yourself in this truth.

Scripture has a lot to say to the broken hearted:

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. Matt.5: 4

The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Isaiah 40:29

Jesus knows about the pain of grief, remember how he wept at the death of His friend Lazarus.

Grief affects all of your body, the physical, mental, emotional and the spiritual. Remember to look after your physical body, eat well, rest, relax, treat yourself. Don’t beat yourself up for not being able to join in all the fun. Probably the most the most vulnerable part of your person is your spirit, Honour your pain, your loss, don’t be afraid to speak your truth. It isn’t wrong to hurt emotionally, or to question God. Don’t be afraid to tell Him want you think!

‘Grief, hard though it is, does not usually destroy us – it wounds like a bruising of the heart, it bleeds like a raw tearing of our flesh, but it is a clean, non – festering wounding and can therefore be healed……’   Dorothy McRae – McMahon. As a nurse I like this imagery, any wound needs attention before it will heal, I think Christmas is a time when our grief and loss wounds need special need attention.

A word for those who are alongside the grieving, listening in depth and with empathy is a crucial element in healing.Words aren’t always helpful. Loving presence is.

I wish you a Christmas that has some peace in it, and a sacred time of taking one more step in your new way of relating to your dear one who is now in the presence of Jesus and their heavenly Father.

Larri Hayhurst. Parish Nurse